I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize