She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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