My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
