I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
