There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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