Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
