I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
this is an emotional support booty call
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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