Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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