Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
