Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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