im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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