Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
