i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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