I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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