Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
