MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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