wakey wakey hands off snakey
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
