The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
