dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Randomize
