I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
