So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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