We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize