cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
