she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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