I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
