I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
