My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
