Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Can I color on your dick again?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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