Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
