When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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