man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
