Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
