Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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