i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
