Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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