If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
