so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize