Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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