woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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