Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
