dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
