I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
