The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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