She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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