just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
