the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
