Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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