so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
two words...techno handjob
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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