i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My life is pants optional.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
