mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
