I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
