I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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