The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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