Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
