What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
