Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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