I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
