just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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