Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
