Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
