last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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