i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
