I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
